One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping"? she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote".
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board...." After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed. And at that very moment, her ears fell off.
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think." He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue."
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the greatness of the other. The telephone rings and, because it is the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation .. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hello? Oh, hi. So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great. Thanks and y'all have a good time. Okay? See ya when you get back in a couple of days. Love you, bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"? She replies, "That was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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